Monday, March 31, 2003

Little does Balhatchet realize that this collection also has an entirely different, mortally important significance to Trigger Caslow, the French-hillbilly proprietor of a secret bordello ...

Harry Steven Keeler was mentioned within a MetaFilter thread recently, reprising his appearance from an earlier thread that I somehow missed altogether. The description of Keeler as "the Ed Wood of mystery novelists" that William Poundstone (author of the Big Secrets series of books, among a lot of other things) uses in his excellent Harry Steven Keeler Homepage sounds pretty much spot on - this was a man who, earnestly and with great care, produced writing that was so bad it was magnificent.

And now, thanks to the Harry Steven Keeler Society, budding authors who may wish to follow in the ink-drenched footsteps of the great man but who don't have the patience or imagination to come up with their own labyrinthine, coincidence-ridden plots (and all the laughable character names to go into them) can do so instantly with the Random Keeler Plot Generator.

Who among this group of mutual strangers has reason to fear the curse of the waltzing skull, whose owners have all met untimely deaths?

Thursday, March 27, 2003

I love my country, I respect the democratic process, and I even believe in God (okay, in a "supreme being"). However, I DO NOT WANT my legislators proposing, debating, or passing resolutions calling for a day of prayer and fasting to win the war on my behalf. You neither? Then please feel free to let the sponsor of this bill, Rep. W.Todd Akin of Missouri, or any of the twenty-six co-sponsors of the bill know that as well.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Clint Eastwood is certainly a man of many talents. As an actor, producer and director, his accomplishments are legendary. But how does Clint stack up as a "recording artist?"

You don't really want to know, do you? Remember, he talks to the trees.

Sunday, March 23, 2003

And Now For Something Completely Different

Attention, soda-swilling, sedentary youth! Time for you all to admit defeat and join:

The Chubby Kids Club!

Also known as "I'll take Unfortunately-Named Products and Promotions for $500, Alex." Note, however, that despite appearances and preconceptions of American culture to the contrary, it's a Canadian product. Perhaps this is just another case of U.S.-envy by our Neighbors to the North.

"We have health problems in our culture too, eh?"

Thursday, March 20, 2003

So, I am now a citizen of a rogue nation. At least I was doing solid, upstanding good-citizen-type stuff when we did unilaterally invade another sovereign nation with the stated purpose of killing its leader and overthrowing its government - I was at Town Council, earnestly arguing whether or not to extend a water hook-up to a newly-approved seven-house subdivision.

At first, I thought I'd vote no. I always have a gut reaction that extending services beyond their current limits will always result in even more development, and unchecked development has really overtaxed our resources. Now, though, I think I'll vote to extend the water line - the houses will be on private septic systems anyway, so any water they use will be returned to the local aquifer. Besides, if we extend the line we also get fire hydrants, which is a good thing on balance.

May all our troops be both brave and fortunate, do the jobs they have been asked to do, and come back home safe. Regardless of the right or wrong of the war, it is here, and it deals with real lives.

God bless us all. We will surely need it.

Sunday, March 09, 2003

So, is it duct tape or duck tape? The question does have some relevance these days. As usual, the Boston Globe makes a case for both sides but doesn't come down definitively on either. There really is Duck Tape, of couse, but note that the company that makes it is careful to always call its product "Duck Tape brand duct tape". That seeming admission, however, hasn't stopped numerous folks from claiming the "original" name was "duck tape". So who are we to believe?

If the Globe is too afraid to take a stand on this important issue, then I suppose it falls to me. Fortunately, I have instant access to advanced, modern, research materials which enable the question to be settled once and for all.

Case closed. Next?

Thursday, March 06, 2003

Just the thing for those times when office hi-jinx get out of control

This 144 shot Gatling Gun is the ultimate weapon! Just load it up, turn the crank and be amazed by its awesome firepower. It sprays rubber bands like a hose sprays water up to 40 feet away!

And wait! There's more! All this can be yours for the low, low price of - um, $999.99. Guess they don't want to really sell too many of these babies. On a more realistic level, also available to the properly-armed office warrior are single-shooters for as low as $4.99, 12-shot repeaters for anywhere from ten to twenty dollars, a desk-top repeater for as low as fifty bucks and - heh, heh - spare ammo for the 12-shooter I do, in fact have in my desk drawer. For self-defense, you know.

* All links herein are presented with due credit to a discussion last night on #mefi. For those who have not yet partaken, I can only describe #mefi as MetaFilter (or on crack - concentrated, real-time banter that separates the men from the boys (or whatever) *

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